Perhaps "fuck off" might be too kind.

Not my words, but those of lyrically clever Alex Turner of Arctic Monkeys fame, but stolen as my own. I digress, already, before I've even made reference to the point. That must be a personal achievement! Score. Anyway, my point today, is about that online popularity contest, Facebook, which has been inspired today after reading this which was posted on Facebook by my friend, who ironically, I'm going to delete for posting shit like this several times a day. Kidding Luke, kidding. I'm going to delete you for being a pretentious tit. Kidding, again. (Obviously I don't read Marie-Claire, by the way).

Not even glass eyes are sacred from product placement. Bastards.


I love my Facebook, and rather surprisingly perhaps to some people, I actually have friends on there. For some reason, people choose to advertise their association with me and admit that, rather than just some bloke they loosely know through an unfortunate chain of mutual acquaintances, we are "friends". Just last week in fact, someone who I was quite happy to correct any assumptions people may have had, said on this very blog "you can call me your friend". Quite why she would choose to potentially slurry her reputation held by others is beyond me, but it racks up my advertised number of friends, so I'll not question her motive. Not that I'm implying she has a motive to question, of course. For a long time though I steered well clear of Facebook altogether, I just saw this as yet another site for which slightly vein or socially insecure teenagers took time out from standing in the mirror and worrying about how fat they aren't or dragging a compass across their wrist to leave "realistic" self harming marks to 'hide' attempted to participate in a blatant popularity contest poorly masquerading as a 'social networking' website, which would inevitably follow the pattern of previous contenders (MySpace et al) and practically implode after having 'it's day', making way for the next in the line. Eventually, after begrudgingly accepting that Facebook was becoming more than just a passing phase, and that "it's day" was now turning into years, and more importantly, after getting sick of hearing "you're not on Facebook??" being shrieked at me in utter disbelief as if intentionally not having a Facebook account is as insane as not having a TV in the corner of your living room, I succumbed to peer pressure and signed away any ounce of privacy (and a little self respect) I may have once believed I had. I still stand by my original beef though; interestingly, Facebook finds that your number of friends is a vital piece of information about your identity, and without giving you the option to hide this, displays your popularity score friend count right underneath your basic information. The next time I'm giving my particulars to someone, not only am I going to give them my name, address, date of birth and ethnicity, they are getting my friend count too. I know this information of hand, as, in protest of this contest, I specifically keep this number to exactly 100 (note to all; I am fully aware that currently I'm at 104. This will be remedied). Well, 99 just seemed a little too much like I was trying to reach 100, and anything more fails to illustrate my point - just because no one is aware I'm making a point doesn’t mean that there isn't one being made! The point is, and similarly to the point I made for years during school PE, is that if I'm going to lose at a game I don't even want to play, I'll lose by my own terms, and I'll take as many of you down with me as I can. Pick me at your peril.

Ok, so as a relative newcomer to the big book of faces, after admitting that it does indeed have it's uses, and although I'm actually pretty good at keeping in touch with people (mainly via emails sent / received at work) and make the time to catch up with mates fairly frequently without reliance of my computer, yes, Facebook makes this a little easier, especially since texting on a touch screen phone is frustratingly clumsy and a little like trying to walk in a straight line after a "quick one after work" [James: Sports bar?]. I'll also state that the photo hosting aspect is quite handy, especially for short tempered cretins such as myself that just can't be bothered going through the rather condescending "Forgotten your password? Again?" link on Photobucket / Picasa etc, even if not getting the option to approve photos my mates have tagged me in where mid sentence I appear to be taking part in a gurning competition so I have to routinely go through and "untag" myself from gets a bit annoying. Don't even get me started on Farmville and Mafia Wars, but I do particularly enjoy / abuse having a little bit of space to vent spleen from time to time (daily) and share my shorter trivial thoughts that don't end up on this blog with the lucky 100 "friends" fortunate enough to see my 'updates'. The upkeep of the golden 100 is the cherry on the social networking cake though, this is why I really love Facebook: Every time I accept a new friend, I have to find some really nit-picky reason to delete someone I have no / didn’t have any particular ill feelings about, and this is where we get back to the link to the Marie Claire article. I'll delete someone for what ever reason I see fit, I don’t need to justify or excuse this, I don’t even need to hide this, sometimes I'll even go a little out of my way to inform them as to why I've deleted them. "I c dat u hav deltd me y?" That's why. Racist / sexist / homophobic opinion / "joke"? Deleted. Every status update this week been about what you've had / are having / wish you were having for tea? Deleted. Been watching shitty music videos for hours on end on YouTube and linking every single one as an update for us all have you? Deleted. Relationship status change several times a day? You need to grow the fuck up. Oh, by the way, deleted.

You see, Facebook is nothing more than just another platform to extend my real life behaviour and for me to be a dismissive and arrogant cunt to anyone and everyone I see fit, for whatever reason I see fit, and this opportunity could not be passed, even if it does mean I have to swallow a little pride and enjoy the practicalities it provides as an added bonus. I was recently described as "acting like I own the monopoly on friendship" in a derogatory tone of voice. Hate to piss on that fire, but that's not an insult, it's as much fact as it is to call me ginger, I do (act, that is, not actually own, although that would be quite profitable I imagine). Nothing, and I do mean nothing, during my working hours, gives me as much self gratifying entertainment whilst at the same time providing me with that smug twat glow as receiving a notification to inform me I have a new "friend" request, looking to see who it is, hovering over the 'Accept' button, then clicking 'Ignore'. Feeling a little selfish and rather selflessly in an attempt to reduce these instances, I purposely keep my profile set to 'open' and have released a few statements in the past to inform potential friend requesters of the likelihood of acceptance, such as "If I went to school with you and have not been in touch with you since, it's probably because you're a twat" and also "saying 'alright' to me, back in '98, when you thought I was someone else, does not make us friends". I feel a little ripped off that this button is labelled as "Ignore" though. I'd quite like it to say "Declined". In fact, further to that, I want it to say "Declined" and inform the requester that they have had their request denied, rather than simply and in my opinion, more politely, ignored. Even better, it would be priceless if the declined notification provided a little box for me to fill in and inform them as to my thought process immediately before hitting the fictitious decline button, which would either be a quote from the good Alex Turner himself, or, depending on the nature of knowledge of one another's existence, would read something along the lines of "You were a prick in 1996, and unlike perhaps a fine wine, I somehow doubt you have the ability to have matured with age. Congratulations, you've been outdone by rotting grapes. Declined".

So, and considering the only place I post the link to this blog is Facebook there stands to be a chance some of you whom I am referring to are reading this, if I do have you as a friend on Facebook, it's because (and congratulations, you are one of few) I genuinely like you. Or you're the partner of someone I like. Or we're related.

Now, I must get on with deleting 4 of you.


PS: Spell check reveals I have typed the word Facebook (including this sentence) no fewer than 14 times. Reckon that will get me on Google? [edit] No then. Shame.